Honestly, i don't mind leaving Perth. if i were to stay, it was only for a person, and my future.
i need a revolution, an ammunition, a revelation to prove my point. i know exactly what i want. i know exactly what motivates, i know that sleeping my way out dreaming about my own fantasies isn't gonna help me face the sullen reality. i'm Queen in my own world, but just another slave in this ruefully honest world.
i hated my year in Perth, but i love the people that hates me, that gave me my troubles and hurt me hard. because they were the ones who made me hell stronger than before. they let me see the lines in between the fake truth of every person. tell me ally, wtf happened to 'i'll talk to you soon' ? everybody's a coward in their own ways, they have fears that they can never hide. they can show how real and how cool they are in their own circle of friends. but they can never hide their fear from their enemies. you are weaker when you defend, can't you see? you are at your weakest point when you don't care about what considers in other people's eyes. often you stay in that pathetic bubble of yours, thinking it's where that saves you most from your fear. but a bubble, is so easy to be popped. no?
i hated the cold, cold nights i was alone.
i hated the endless conflict i had with people whom i thought i had loved. because as much as they see my flaws, i see theirs too, clearly, banging like the little monkey with cymbals in my head. and if your the ones that hurt me and think your too good for me, thank you once again because though i hate you so much, i know part of you have made me stronger. i hate you so much, i hate you in my every gut, but often a certain soft spot of mine sees the good in you too. and i never defy a person 100% which maybe most people would do when they created certain abhorance to a particular one.
i hated that i couldn't trust anyone, and i hated how paranoid i have learnt to become.
i hated that being humble was just like hiding in my shell like a turtle. i hated how people overwrite my points and my values because i was a coward with expressing thoughts, finking that others would judge me for.
i hated lonely moments even standing in the street full of people, where only i know nature accompanied my fear for lonesomeness.
i hated moments i cry because i thought that the world was too hard for me to be in, and i would just slit my wrists and go to hell.
i hated when i was hurt physically and emotionally, the guy who's suppose to be there ditched me for weed. ditched me for he wasn't even there when i thought he was. and i was crying till the physical pain was numb, and only my heart hurts and start slowing down its pace.
i hated despair moments when i'd just eat to distract myself, or starve just because my appetite was too tight in my throat.
i hated stressed out moments or really emotionally hurt moments that i smoke and smoke and drink, and in the end we finally concluded those were only temporary comfort. company was also temporary comfort.
i hated cold days when i'll be in my room, looking at the ceiling staring into thin space, hoping for nothing, driving my sanity up and down. mood swings come by frequently, hormonal imbalances.
i hated days where i felt useless, and all my efforts were often denied. so tell me, how does being let down give anymore hope to where i'm standing right now?
we can always build things up. but having so many fears, having multiple disorders, does not motivate any. the loud, uncanny sound of silence, often haunts me. haunts me when i'm in need.
i looked in the mirror and searched hard, what was it that i need? i didn't know anymore because it was too bloodcurdling to want anything that wouldn't ever hurt me.
honestly, do you really fink i like it there in perth?
i have no commitments here in kuching either. please don't make me stay here.
It's from this loneliness and the fear it brings
That new doors can open up and be a saviour to me x.
where are you?
